...i should be sleeping...it is, after all, almost 11 p.m....and the girls surely won't be sleeping in tomorrow morning. and yet...i'm wide awake. i suppose i can thank that free iced mocha from the mcdonald's drive thru i indulged in around 4 p.m. lesson learned...
but in the meantime, i'm awake....and so, i blog. :)
i ran some errands this afternoon. just kroger and wal-mart...and dropping some carmel-corn off to my dear aunt vonnie. it was naptime for kate and jillian, but i decided to let elizabeth forego her quiet room time and come with me. how rewarding. seriously...what a blessing and treasure it is to spend time alone with elizabeth (or any of the three girls, really).
today, as we were walking through the parking lot--her hand holding onto mine, counting to three and jumping over the parking bumper things (you know...the yellow raised strips at the front of parking spaces...), jumping up onto the curb, her little mouth chattering away ninety miles a minute (i can't imagine where she gets that from!?)--i had this moment of absolute fullness. a contented, store it away in my heart to remember forever moment. i almost wanted to cry right there on the sidewalk in front of kroger.
being a mommy is hard...much, much harder than i ever imagined. being a mommy brings me to my knees, tears running down my face more often than i would like to admit. it is humbling. it is exhausting. it is the great revealer of selfishness and control-issues. it is scary. i have raised my voice with my children far more times than i would like to admit. i've had moments of despairing. i have ruined precious moments with my own need to "control" the end product of a project. i fail. i fall short. and so often those moments can be what sticks in my mind so glaringly.
and yet, in that moment, on the sidewalk in front of kroger, i had one of those moments where you are reminded so fully that it is all worth it....the tears and frustrations, the failures, the hardness of mommying. it is worth it. there are ugly moments...we all have them. and yet, there are far more beautiful moments...brilliant gems found in the most mundane and normal experiences, like heading through the parking lot of kroger. i have those moments often...and yet, somehow this one stuck with me in a different way.
in that short moment i was struck by the immense reality that i am elizabeth's mom. what a privilege. i am the one who has the privilege of holding her hand as she leaps over curb bumpers....tiny moments that are filled with the joy and exuberance of a four year old. God has granted me (well...us, really...Mike and me) the gift of shepherding her little heart to follow Him...of instructing her...of laughing and giggling with her...of holding her hand and protecting her as we walk through parking lots. it is me she cries out for in the middle of the night if she is scared.
oh how i pray God would open my eyes more to these little moments...the curb jumping, joyfully normal moments...that in the "hard" ones i would remember to simply let go...to trust Him and rest in the joy that is coming right around the corner.
apparently i'm overdue on updating my profile (or so my own mama says). so...here goes...daughter of the King of kings, wife to michael, mommy to elizabeth (6 1/2), kate (4 1/2), jilly (2 1/2) and luke (almost 1!). officially among the ranks of those people...you know, the crazy homeschooling kind...dialectic lit/comp teacher one day a week...crafter...reader...friend...and so, so much more. :)