Tuesday, December 1, 2009

the one i don't know what to title...

december 1st...wow! i want to share ten smiles today...i really do...and yet, i'm not going to. why? honestly, i'm just pooped. i had a three of my girl-friends over this morning with their little ones...and it was a rich morning of conversation, bustling kiddos, crockpot pumpkin lattes. yesterday was full of picking up the pieces after a couple days down at mike's parents...laundry, ironing the stack of mike's dress shirts that has been piling up forever!, getting ready for starting our december muffin tin advent and devotional advent calendar, and more.

but truly, it isn't that i can't find time to blog my smiles today. i could. i'm just on emotional overload...i have been since saturday. while we were decorating the Christmas tree elizabeth came across the willow tree ornament we bought in remembrance of the baby we miscarried last year. she had been asking about all the ornaments...where they came from, when we got them, etc....and mike shared with her that mommy had a baby in her tummy that died and so on....and the tears started. and then they kind of poured. and then mike and i finally found a quiet moment with the two of us alone to hang that special ornament, and they came again. and for whatever reason, the loss of that precious baby is quite fresh right now....i remember this time last year...still grieving the loss of that baby...not yet aware of the plans God would have in store for us in the coming year. and honestly, it is the strangest bittersweetness...knowing that if that baby had lived we would not have jillian. and while the emotions are on edge...the tears are ready to spill over at any given moment...it is not truly a sad emotion...just full. (don't know if that makes sense). God has brought us SOOOO far in the past year. through the experience of the miscarriage i experienced His "closeness" in a way i never had before...that feeling and knowing that He is carrying you...that beautiful tension of joy in the midst of sorrow. and, oh my, how richly He has blessed us with the birth of jillian...with life. how richly we are blessed with the gift of not one, not two, but three beautiful and amazing daughters. we are blessed with moments like i blogged about sunday night...we are blessed with giggles and laughter....we are blessed even in the midst of the tantrums or arguments. that, sweet friends, is where my heart is right now...it sort of feels laid bare for whatever reason. i am so looking forward to this month...and not just because of Christmas morning--although i am looking forward to Christmas. but more than that, i am looking forward to celebrating the entire month long...to drawing near to Jesus through our advent devotional....to enjoying fun family time as we "countdown" with our muffin tin advent calendar....to being intentional....to cranking up the Christmas music and reflecting on Jesus as i sip a warm mug of coffee.

that is where i am.

and...though i don't have the words to go with them....here are a few pictures of our smiles.


frosty the marshmallow man...dessert for the girls last night at dinner!







4 comments:

Amy's Blah, Blah, Blogging said...

Well I'd say that's more than 10 smiles Amanda. :)

Love you and thinking of you tonight my friend!

Rebecca said...

i know how you feel. you expressed yourself so beautifully. praying for you, dear friend!

and such wonderful smiles/pics. looks like you had a great time with mike's family :).

Leslie said...

oh those smiles are precious.
and we are allowed those moments... those other as you put so well "heart laid bare" moments...

and Im praying.... really praying for your family, that He would meet you in those moments of devotion. like never before.

Wendi@Every Day Miracles said...

I so get what you are feeling. This was beautiful and really so well put..