Tuesday, November 2, 2010

i could smile...

i can't believe it has been nearly two weeks since i blogged....or that it is november for that matter. i have so much to share...so, so much.

i could tell you what a fun halloween we had...the zoo boo with sweet friends. the harvest festival at church. trick-or-treating (not once but twice....once as a family in the town next door that did trick-or-treat a day early...and then on halloween, just mommy and the big girls with our neighbor). i could tell you how they will never again get to trick-or-treat twice...we only went for a short trip both nights, but seriously...the candy they pulled in was out of control...at least a year worth of treats, maybe more....and that, my friends, is what we do with it...store it away, a treat here and there, no need to buy treats for the rest of the year! i could tell you how i had the cutest monkey, duck/princess, and gator/tigger ever...yes, kate and jilly had some wardrobe changes for different events! :) i could tell you that i aspire to someday make some fabulous costume creations for my darlings, but seriously...not this year for a prego mama...but i can happily report that we didn't spend a penny on costumes. :)

i could tell you about the messy fun we had making own own pumpkins. i could tell you how methodically elizabeth glued and placed beads to create hers...or perhaps how delightfully haphazard kate was in the placement of crayon, beads, craft sticks, etc....or how beautiful the end results were for both girls.

i could tell you about how kate was up until past 10 pm two nights in a row...how we didn't discover that the first night until i went up to get ready for bed and found her in my bathroom, with my make-up strewn across the floor and countertop...how she had created her own masterpiece with eye liner...smudged all over. i could tell you how thankful i am there wasn't any lipstick in that make-up...i can only imagine how much messier the mess would have been. i could also, happily, oh so happily, tell you that she has been falling asleep at a much more reasonable hour! but i could definitely tell you that i still find myself constantly praying and asking the Lord for wisdom with her...oh how she confounds everything i *think* i know about parenting.

i could tell you how it is hitting me that my sweet baby jilly--sweet smiley, goofy girlie--is not going to be the "baby" all that much longer. i could tell you how i find myself savoring everything girly about her at the most random moments...how i find myself snuggling her a bit more tightly and watching with a bit more wonder. i could tell you, though, that she is absolutely mastered the "fold in half and throw a tantrum" stance....and the "run in the other direction when mommy calls" sprint. i could tell you that she popped a molar through....or how she shadows her big sisters with complete adoration. i could for sure tell you that she is such a treasure!

and i could tell you that elizabeth is growing up before my very eyes. i could tell you that five just might be my favorite age ever...how she says the funniest things. i could tell you about her recent penchant for retelling jokes (or trying to make up her own--which is even funnier). i could tell you about the million names she comes up with for her baby brother everyday...yesterday the very serious front-runner was date...yep, as in today's date is nov. 2. i could tell you how she is so the oldest...how she loves being the boss and having everyone follow her rules. i could also tell you how that doesn't always go over very well...ugh...and how we've had a lot of conversations about how sisters are treasures, how we are to seek the interests of others and not ourselves, and on and on. i could tell you that she is beyond ecstatic with the news that the baby in mommy's tummy is a BOY.

in fact, that maybe should have been first...for those who aren't facebookers and haven't heard it in person. i could tell you how we didn't intend to find out the gender of this babe #4...how we planned to be surprised in the delivery room just as we were with the first 3. i could tell you how i secretly really wanted to know. i could also tell you how we totally spaced on mentioning to our OB that we didn't want to know before he turned on the ultrasound stuff. i could tell you that it probably wouldn't have mattered even if we had mentioned it since the baby was eager to show off the "goods". i could tell you that it is a BOY! A BOY! i could tell you that we are still completely in shock (and that i most likely will be even after he is born!). i could tell you how my OB registered our shock and offered to give us a confirmation glance at our next appointment, which was yesterday. so we have been holding this secret in our hearts for the past month, sharing it with people here and there, until yesterday...when we saw the proof again. i could also tell you that we aren't sure this babe will ever have a name...that we have never had a solid, 100% for sure boy name for any of our pregnancies...but no matter what, he will be loved...a lot by all of us. i could also tell you the sweetness of hearing my husband (after he registered the shock of the reveal...as he was more convinced than anyone that it would be a fourth girl) say with wonder and delight, "i'm going to be a daddy to a little boy." i could tell you that i am so, so, so excited for him to have a little boy to do little boy things with...but how i am just as delighted for myself to get to know the special mama-son relationship (and perhaps just as overwhelmed by it as well!).

i could tell you about the yummy pancake breakfast we had saturday...and the sweetness of these sister entertaining each other while we waited for the cakes to cook.

i could tell you how yummy the pot roast in the crockpot smells right now.

i could tell you about this morning...how it was rough, rough, rough. or perhaps how sweet it is when your children eagerly surround you with hugs and forgiveness when you humble yourself before them and ask for it. i could tell you how ashamed i am sometimes of my sinfulness...of my tendency to react in anger rather than responding with patience and love. i could tell you about the beautiful Scripture the Lord brought before me this morning as i sought Him in the midst of the crazy moment. psalm 142:3 "when my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who knows my way." i could tell you that being a mommy brings me to tears...a lot....that it is humbling....big time. i could tell you that i have broken down several times in the past few weeks over the reality of never finishing anything permanently...washing dishes just to find them dirty again, vacuuming the floor just to find toys and miscellany covering them again, washing and folding laundry just to find the baskets filled again...how i have been struggling and fighting against despairing over those things. i could tell you that i want to learn to be better at living in His strength and not in my own. i'm praying that for you friends...would you pray it for me?

most of all, i could tell you that life lately has been less than picture perfect...and i am learning, slowly, to embrace that. have you seen the windows commercial advertising their new photo editing software...where the mom tweaks the photo, and says something like, "windows gives me the perfect family that nature never could". i could tell you how much that commercial grates on my nerves...how i am realizing my own tendency to want my life to look perfect...my children to look and behave perfectly...and i could tell you just how much i am missing out on when i try to bend everything toward perfection. my life is messy and in need of Jesus. my heart is messy and in need of Jesus. my children are messy and in need of Jesus. even my house is messy and in need of Jesus. so instead of photoshop-ing it, i am just going to surrender it to Jesus and do my best to simply savor the messy chaos.


Rebecca said...

oh amanda. this post is beautiful and real and it made me cry. thank you for sharing. you seriously took some words right out of my mind/heart there at the end.

liberty is my tough child...like kate. oh my. i never know what to do with her!!

i'm praying for you.

oh...and a boy...how exciting!

Wendi@Every Day Miracles said...

Amanda - wow. This really spoke to me - on many different levels.
Yes, I am praying this for you - and me. Oh that we might treasure the blessings in our lives and joyfully do those duties that are undone constatnly... So right there with you dear one.

Leslie said...

love you all from afar.
Rejoicing over potroasts, sweet boys, and real real life.

Cottage Mommy said...

Can I just say reading that section about you having a boy made me tear up....so excited for you and this special time!

Rick and Beth said...

Sweet thoughts, Amanda. I can completely relate to the despair of never finishing anything permanently. I think I was despairing just before I clicked on your blog. Good words at a not so good moment. I'm in need of Jesus, too. Praise God that He calls us friends.

Oh, mom used to make us freeze our candy and we could have one piece a day until it was gone. Nothing better than a frozen three musketeers!!

Nancy M. said...

What cute little trick or treaters you have! Congrats on a little boy coming soon! Great idea on the candy, if only I could stop eating it, lol!

Amy's Blah, Blah, Blogging said...

A boy? A boy? Oh my gosh, I haven't been doing facebook for so long I didn't hear. I am ever so happy for you guys! What a wonderful treat for you to hear. I bet Mike is just tickled blue!

And thanks for this post today. So needing to hear that I am not alone in my struggles and weaknesses, my sadness over my own sin and my sorrow that again I have failed. I am, too, in need of a Saviour.

Love you my friend.