what we've been learning

i think i might postpone my smiles for a day and share some of the lessons we've been learning and practicing in regards to discipline instead. many of you posted comments expressing your curiosity about how we found success in the dinner and bedtime battle...and so i will share. of course, i must first remind you that we are FAR from perfect...we have lots of those "moments" (you know what i mean)...BUT implementing some different things and renewing a commitment to consistency has helped us immensely. there is more laughter around our house these days...from all of us. there is more obedience and less whining. there is a mama at this house who doesn't feel at her wits end and discouraged nearly as often these days (and isn't that really the key to the "runnings" of the rest of the house.

**okay...after typing this i realize it is a bit scattered...probably repetitive at times...and perhaps missing little pieces here and there. but as i publish it, i pray it might be an encouragement to just one of you today...or perhaps something to file away...something that will encourage another day! i also give you a disclaimer...it is lengthy...but hopefully worth the read!

so, what have we been doing differently? well, that wednesday evening a couple weeks ago when my dear friend walked me through getting elizabeth to actually eat what i had asked her to made me realize that though we were applying "the rod" (aka...spanking!) we were not doing so effectively. it also made me recognize that i wasn't training/disciplining consistently. we had allowed eating dinner to be an optional thing as opposed to stepping in as the parents and calling elizabeth to obedience. i was buying into the theory that she was just a "normal" two year old...being picky...and she would eat eventually...especially if i didn't offer alternatives, etc. what we were finding was that elizabeth would rather go hungry than eat what was offered...and she did have quite a stubborn resolve in this. i was not recognizing this as disobedience and defiance...in other words, i was allowing her to continue sinning by not submitting to my authority as her parent. (please recognize, i am writing this as a christian...therefore, i do not believe that elizabeth is inherently good...or sinless..."for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"--romans 3:23--even my 2 year old daughter).

my friend helped bring me to this realization. then she proceeded to lovingly walk me through a more biblical response, including the fact that using my hand to spank elizabeth's diapered behind was clearly NOT getting the message through. she recommended removing the padding of the diaper and using something other than my hand for that actual instrument of spanking (something that would provide a bit of a sting rather than a forceful swat). then she walked me through giving elizabeth the clear instruction and warning her of the consequence should she disobey....she refused to eat, i followed through (leaving the room and taking her somewhere private for the spanking)....then i brought her back to the table, repeated the instruction and consequence...and so on and so forth (each time she disobeyed i increased the number of spanks (not the intensity--mind you, this wasn't about intensity, rather about training). let me tell you...it was a long evening, but when she finally surrended it brought about the most incredible change in demeanor...both in elizabeth and in me. her heart was renewed...she was turning from sin and doing the right thing. i feared that spanking elizabeth's bare bottom would hurt her too much or that it wasn't loving...how wrong i was. that night was quite possibly the MOST loving thing i have done thus far as a parent...and it resulted in a little girl who was happier than i had EVER before seen her...seriously. it was truly incredible!

since that evening we have been implementing the same thing in all arenas of our day....training her to respect her parents as an authority over her...to obey...right away and with a joyful heart. i have raised the standard in our house, and elizabeth has quickly risen to meet that standard. the second night it took one spanking for the dinner plate to be cleaned completely...and we haven't had to spank about eating meals anymore since then. honestly, we haven't had to spank very often at all...it is quite amazing. i have simply set the standard of expectation and not accepted anything less than that. i am finding that elizabeth is much quicker to listen and obey...or to admit her wrong and do the right thing. the key has been consistency...taking the time to set the standard and then consistently disciplining if that standard isn't met. this means staying firm to my word and expectation. it means an extra bit of work and being willing to "interrupt" my other agendas in order to train her in the moment. another key has been not allowing myself to take elizabeth's disobedience personally and get emotionally involved. she is going to disobey...not because she doesn't love me...but because she is two. my responsibility is to bring her back to right living...through discipline. what an incredible responsibility God has entrusted to us! as a sidenote...the consistency has fixed some issues before we even had to deal with them....like bedtime. before our "break-through" over that dinner, we were struggling and fighting our way through bedtime...tears, whining, oh-so-much frustration...with a couple days of consistent training in our day to day this problem pretty much disappeared. why...i think it is because she was learning that we were not going to be swayed by the theatrics. as i mentioned yesterday...these days i savor the hugs and kisses, smiles and giggles of bedtime...even the teeth-brushing part!

i admit that part of my reluctance to share the "technique" is that i realize spanking has become something quite controversial in this day and age. however, we have been believers in spanking all along...BUT it didn't work until we applied it in the right way. spanking is not effective when it is used as a last resort or an emotional response. mind you, i don't agree with or advocate spanking when it is used inappropriately or excessively (part of the reason i somewhat hesitated to even share what we are learning and applying--lest someone take it to the extreme...or lest someone think we are crazed and treat our children horribly--hello, can we say, fear of man!)...but i do firmly believe that God has commanded us to use "the rod" in the training of our children. there might be people who read this and immediately dismiss what i have to share because they disagree with spanking children...however, i have seen the results of "the rod" appropriately applied...and at our house, the result has been a repentant and renewed little girl...a little girl who is beginning to understand that she must learn to submit to authority and obey her parents...a little girl who someday will have a better understand of what it means to submit to the authority of God in her life. each day is a learning process, and i realize we have a LONG way to go...but this is the path we are walking down, and it is a path that has given me restored hope and encouragement...even in the midst of the disaster moments. i find those moments pass more quickly when dealt with swiftly. these days i know my approach when hard moments comes...we deal with them...and we move on. before we were spending large portions of the day frustrated and at odds...now we can simply have the training/discipline moment and move on to whatever fun is in store.

that said...let me share a few books that have been instrumental in helping me think about God's plan for training a child. i also want you to remember that it was just a couple weeks ago that i shared about our "break-through" experience with elizabeth...please realize, i am just sharing what i have been learning and thinking about....NOT a fool-proof plan or well-formulated system of any sort. i am just sharing what we have found successful in the past week or so. if you want to talk more i would love to...just leave your e-mail in your comment. i would highly recommend picking up some of these books.

-"Shepherding a Child's Heart"--Ted Tripp
-"Don't Make Me Count to Three"--Ginger Plowman
-"To Train Up a Child"--Michael and Debi Pearl (I am the first to admit that some things in this book are a bit extreme...and some are just not something I would try...HOWEVER, the general principles, Biblical framework for training children, and basic information is wonderful!)
-"Child Training Tips"--Reb Bradley

This One's For You, Mom....

Mother knows best....right!? Okay, so it only took me 28 years to fully realize that truth. I am terrible about letting things pile up and then taking care of them once it is a massive undertaking. Of course, my mom (and dad too) have always told me it would be much easier to just do it as I go...to stay on top of picking up, folding laundry, etc. For some reason these lessons have fallen on deaf ears...but mom and dad, today is the day I admit it. You were right all along. This morning I started the laundry and headed downstairs to get the rest of the day started...breakfast for the girls, some dishes washed and the dishwasher unloaded, and pulling out my sewing machine to make a couple more hooded towels (Elizabeth tested it out so I could take a picture)...mostly the routine day to day stuff (with the exception of the towel-making..believe it or not, I don't find time to bust out my sewing machine and "craft" every day!)....once Kate was down for her nap Elizabeth and I headed upstairs for her bath, right around the same time my first load of laundry was dry. After getting Elizabeth washed I let her keep playing in the tub (one of her all-time favorite activities), and I decided to sit on the floor by the bathroom and fold that first load of laundry. Imagine my surprise when it only took 5 minutes or so (you see, I don't know that I have ever folded just ONE load of laundry...usually its more like 6 or 7 loads!). I must say, all day long I've been folding AND PUTTING AWAY (this usually takes me a week or so after the laundry is folded....don't laugh...I know some of you have the same laundry monster disease I do!) as I go, and it is SO much easier. So, mom, you were right! Now lets see if I can keep it up!

(Okay...I know it is random, but after lunch I was giving Kate a bath and Elizabeth just kept leaning in and kissing her..."Kiss Kate's head, mama....Kiss Kate's fingers....Kiss Kate's nose"...how sweet! I just couldn't resist sharing the picture!)

I can't wait to report in tomorrow with some smiles...one of which will be an update on my cooking for a month night. Our church does a cooking night once a month where a group of around 20 gals gather at the church and assemble meals. You bring the meat and dairy for the recipes and then one gal buys the other ingredients in bulk...and you split the cost of those that night. Anyway...tonight will be my first venture in this cooking night, and I am QUITE excited. Last night I browned my ground beef for the chimichangas and cheeseburger casserole, measured out my dairy ingredients, labeled all my bags, pans, and "stuffs"....and I'm ready to roll. We are making 7 recipes...chimichangas, cheeseburger and fries casserole, salsa chicken, parsley parmesan chicken, ravioli lasagna, broccoli cheese soup, and sweet bbq meatball sandwiches (like a stromboli)....and each one makes 4 meals...for a grand total of 28 meals to pop into my freezer! I'm looking forward to seeing how it all comes together...but how wonderful to have dinner for a month made in just 4 hours one evening! Needless to say, Mike is a big fan of the idea...even if it does mean tackling bedtime alone with both girls (something that still presents a challenge even 5 months into the whole 2 kid adjustment!).

Other than that, we've been enjoying our past few days. My parents watched the girls yesterday after church so Mike and I could have an afternoon out...Kate rolled over for the first (well, second really, but I think the first time was an accident...not purposeful) time Friday evening...Elizabeth has been singing her little heart out (her second favorite activity as of late...what's her favorite activity you ask--talking...talking...and more talking....I can't believe I ever wondered when she'd start talking...now we wonder if she will ever stop). Yesterday she watched part of the Colts game with poppy and grandmommy...and, of course, poppy taught her to throw her hands in the air and shout, "TOUCHDOWN" and to strike a quite hilarious pose where she looks (kind of...if you are creative) like she is catching a pass. But I get ahead of myself...starting to share my "smiles" before Tuesday even arrives.

For all my friends and family who weren't able to comment when I was at spaces....you are able now! Click on the comment link (below the post) and choose "anonymous"...just be sure to leave your name in your comment so I know who you are!