Tuesday, June 16, 2009

on my mind...

it is ten smile tuesday...and yet, at the moment i'm just not in "smile" mode. don't get me wrong...not that there weren't things to smile about. i could share the fun we had celebrating our sweet buddy brennan's first birthday...or the free pizza we had for dinner tonight...or perhaps the other little moments throughout the week. but to be honest, i am having trouble finding focus to even recall last week, much less blog about it (and it doesn't help that i didn't take any pictures...that typically jogs my memory a bit). and yet...there are other things on my mind...a random mish-mash of thoughts and hopes and concerns...and on and on...

i am hopeful that after this morning's OB appointment i will be regaining some of the energy, focus, and concentration i have completely lost in the past weeks. i remember being tired during my pregnancies with the girls...but not this dog-tired...can't focus for more than 30 seconds....absolutely wiped out, exhausted. i thought it was probably a side effect of my border-line high blood pressure, but it seems in the past few weeks my blood pressure has been completely normal....so that wasn't to blame. i chalked the fatigue up to the fact that this was in fact, pregnancy 3...and i am keeping up with two girls now...but this morning's appointment revealed another possible culprit...anemia. apparently my hemoglobin count has dropped quite low...hence the exhaustion and lack of mental ability. so i am hoping the iron supplements and some dietary changes (bring on the red meat and fig newtons!) will help restore a bit of energy. don't get me wrong, i'm not expecting to have boundless amounts of energy...but it would be nice to have the motivation and energy to at least take the girls outside to play for a bit....and perhaps tackle a small corner of the disaster thats been building in the house.

and then friends, oh how i have been wrestling...struggling...questioning...about kate's language development. she has words...some words...here and there...but, as a mommy, i have been concerned for awhile with her verbal abilities. i've tried to avoid comparisons...tried not to think about what elizabeth was saying at this age or what the other kiddos in the church nursery or play-dates are saying...tried to keep in mind that all kiddos develop at different rates, and on and on. but, honestly, something in me has just been unsettled...especially as we struggle big time with tantrums and some other behavior stuff...wondering if perhaps some of that isn't related to her lack of verbal skills. the concern has been building...and after a lot of prayer, a conversation with a speech-pathologist friend and a pediatric nurse friend, and some researching general charts for language development, mike and i have decided to have her at least evaluated to see if there is some delay, and if so, to get her some help....hopefully before the baby comes and rocks our world! :) and honestly, while the decision to seek some evaluation brings me peace, i am struggling to rest in God's peace, as i just feel quite emotional about the whole thing...though i'm not exactly sure why. oh how i long for her to be able to communicate all that is in that little mind...we so clearly see her "getting it"...pointing out objects in books and around her, following directions, gesturing, etc...so i am not concerned about that aspect of development....just longing for her to be able to open her mouth and talk...

...what else...what else. mike has been projecting like crazy...tearing out a wall to extend our coat closet, meaning we actually have somewhere to go in the event of crazy tornado warnings. paneling the garage. installing a water softener. and much, much more. and that, my friends, means the girls and i have had extra time together without daddy...and with my energy level being so stinkin' low, i've just been dragging from the "extra". and yet, still, i've spent some of the past few days planning and preparing for a freezer cooking day tomorrow...because, after all, i still need to keep the fam nourished.

and then there is the incredible Bible study i've been doing for the past few weeks. we are studying through Philippians...just Scripture...and journaling and praying...and oh how my heart has been refreshed and encouraged. God has been faithfully awakening me in the mornings...early...and i am truly cherishing that hour or so before the girls get up...time in the Word and in prayer...time to eat breakfast and get myself ready for the day. it has truly been a rich time for me...and quite frankly, it makes me so frustrated that i so often fall into the trap and buy into the lie that my sleep is more important than starting my day with Jesus. oh what a blessing to have His Word be the very FIRST focus of my day...adjusting my mind and heart...preparing me for things like the training and discipling of the girls throughout the day...or those moments when i'm so tired i think i can't keep going...or wondering what to do about kate's speech...and on and on. the study has also been a HUGE blessing in reorienting me to the right priorities...1-Jesus...2-michael....3-the girls...including the baby...and thus forcing me to schedule resting and downtime into the day as a priority!...4-others/ministries....5-chores/to-do's.....6-everything else! what a blessing it is to each day ask my husband how i can help him....and then follow through....what a novel idea--actually fulfilling my role as his HELPER as a priority! :)

....and so, my friends....that is what is on my mind...

7 comments:

Jill Phillabaum said...

I miss the photo update of your week! Yet, so thankful you expressed your heart and I am more equipped to pray for you and your sweet fam! Know you are loved and prayed for in the Fort!!! Wish you were closer and I could help with the girlys on my days off.

Love you Amanda,
jap

Taylor said...

Hi Amanda! I just wanted to let you know that Josiah received help with his speech through First Steps-- for probably over a year. He is definitely a talker now-- some words are still garbled, but I know they will become clearer with time. I know it is hard-- we have been there too! You want to know what they are thinking. :) We are hoping Evelyn will pick up speech "on time". But we know every child is different. (With first steps, they usually do a hearing test to make sure everything is okay, and the speech pathologist was able to more clearly tell us whether is what an anatomical problem or not-- always good to know.)

Leslie said...

Oh Amanda

so much on your guys plates.

Can I give you some encouragement over the anemia. I totally feel you on that one, and man does it wipe wipe wipe you out. My hemoglobin counts were under 6 most of my pregnancy with Cade. I tried all sorts of things to get mine up but the days I got a nap in I could actually function. Otherwise I was so spacey. Watch out for the dizziness as well, its scary scary. Im praying that those counts go up. And soon!

Wish I could snag those girls and give you some much needed rest.

L

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

Amanda,

I am relating to so many parts of this post.

I have had anemia every single pregnancy. This time it truly wiped me out too - just as you explained. To encourage you though, the supplements really helped!

Dave has also been projecting an awful lot. I am so excited to be getting a bigger and completely remodeled bed room, but seriously 10-12 hours of me and the boys can prove to be wearisome. I have so had to keep my attitude in check lately - and treat every one kindly rather than as a bother. It hasn't been easy for me...

I also know what it is like to wonder about your child's development. I hope and pray that you will get some answers soon!

Praying for you Amanda! I so understand what you are going through!

The paragraph on priorities was some thing I really need to be reminded of today. Thank you.

Lisa said...

praying for you Amaanda!
Hoping you find peace and rest.....
And so appreciating your honesty - it's so nice to know we are not alone in the day to day struggles!

Jamie said...

i'll be praying for you, amanda. your sharing is a strong reminder for me to start each day with Jesus, too, and to face my day based on my priority scheme, too. God is strongest when we are weakest!

Amy's Blah, Blah, Blogging said...

My good friend had Anemia with her last pregnancy. It really helped her a lot with energy once she was able to get that a little more balanced. Hopefully you'll be able to do that too and then things will level off as far as energy. Only two more months!!

It is concerning when your child doesn't seem to be at a particular stage as you believe they should be in development. I remember how Lilla didn't walk until she was 18 months and I thought she never would. We had her evaluated with First Steps but she was just doing things in her own time...so typical of Lilla!

Having her evaluated is a wise thing to do. It will give you peace of mind and if she does need a little boost, that will be a great way to do it! First steps is awesome! My niece had a lot of developmental delays and now she is right on track after a year or so of it.

Hope things are well today and enjoy your time with the one who brings you peace!