Wednesday, April 1, 2009

..and then it was wednesday...

sweet friends...thanks for your nice comments on my ten smile post yesterday. and yet, as i read them i was completely humbled...supermommy i am most definitely not...and as for accomplishing lots and lots in a week, well, i don't know. today has been another of those days. i am simply running on empty...as i find myself quite often these days. i suppose part of..sorry, make that MOST of it is my own need to rely on God's strength and not my own--especially on His patience!

this day started out quite promising. i was up, showered, hair dryed and everything before the girls were up. we enjoyed breakfast and, of course, curious george and sid on pbs kids. and then i had the brilliant idea that we would get out the paint for some fun. i stripped the girls down...put some old t-shirts on them, filled an egg carton with paint...and voila...instant excitement. the painting itself went quite well....with both girls smiling, laughing, covering their hands with paint. and then i scooped them up and headed off for a nice bubble bath. i was patient about the huge mess painting made...and even covered my own hands in paint for some hand-prints (oh how i TRY to not let the messies bother me). ***i do have pictures...just don't have the energy to go downstairs and upload them...maybe tomorrow.

and then the painting was over. and it was only 10:30...still an hour and a half until lunch...and another hour past that until naptime for kate...and i knew elizabeth was eagerly anticipating school once kate was tucked away. bring on the "madness". honestly, the painting and cleaning up (both the girls and the mess) took me to the end of my energy reserves (which just aren't fabulous these days). and that, dear friends, is my struggle. i truly can find it within me to come up with something creative...and that's about it. for the next few hours until naptime i fought the battle of my growing impatience, my frustration and confusion with what has become a consistent whininess and thumb-sucking, clinginess from kate....seriously girls..not sure what is going on here. she used to only suck her thumb when she was tired, but in the past couple of weeks it has become a constant thing, accompanied by clinging and fussing and general making mommy craziness! i'm just not sure what is going on...is she sleepy, hungry, getting more teeth...the list goes on, and oh how i wish she would just use words and tell me. and yet, she has chosen the path of silence...well, aside from the grunts and fussing. (and, while she is meeting the pediatrician standards for number of words, etc. i often find myself struggling to not compare her with others her age who seem to be SO much more verbal...and then i worry...which leads me to frustration and more confusion and then to anger.)

and then there is elizabeth. oh how i love her energy and zest, her exuberance and curiosity...and yet, at the same time, how i battle with growing weary of the endless questions and comments. how i grow weary of the discipline and training as she tests every limit and boundary and struggles with self-control (and then again, so do i!). how i struggle with seeing the many areas she excels in and loves and instead of fully encouraging and praisiting those, focusing on fear and concern over the areas i perceive her to be "behind" or less insterested in. how i fight with my own confusion over just where i should have my expectations set....and thus, how i fear that i am exasperating her. (because i know i am exasperating myself!)

and so, we did make it to lunchtime today...with a minor melt-down over the presence of a peanut butter and honey sandwich as opposed to a cheese sandwich. it was an hour and a half of highs and lows...reading stories, settling disputes over baby dolls, snuggling with kate, struggling with kate, trying not to go bonkers when the toys we had JUST put away were once again strewn all across the room. kate ended up in bed a half an hour early...after a half an hour of consistent melting. as for elizabeth...she enjoyed some school...while mommy struggled to try to enjoy the time as opposed to constantly pushing her to color in the lines or pay closer attention. in fact, while she finished coloring "BIG" and "small" items i sat on her bed and tried to wipe the tears away...praying, praying, praying that God would grant me grace and patience...love and wisdom...

...and now, here i am. nap/quiet time is almost over. i've had a bit of time to "collect" myself...to think and pray and simply be still. oh how i long to be a mother who leads my children with wisdom, with a gentle and quiet spirit, with love and tenderness. oh how i long to put off the irritability and impatience that wars against my desire for tenderness...that rears its ugly head and leaves me feeling utterly deflated. how i long to be transformed into the likeness of Christ, that i might be an example to my children. and oh how i find great hope in the promise that He is NOT done with me yet, that even as i type, He is working out His plan in my life...bringing me to completion...using even these days, the ones where i feel least worthy and most desperate. how great is our God!

5 comments:

Rebecca said...

thank you for this post. it's beautiful and i cried. you are saying exactly what i am feeling these days and expressing it much more clearly than i've been able to lately. so glad to know we're not alone...and so thankful for God's patience and mercy and grace. praying for you!

Nancy M. said...

Your smiles below were wonderful! Some days do go more smoothly than others. It's probably a little harder on you right now, with all your pregnancy hormones raging.

But, I have a lot of the same concerns. I wonder about my son not being verbal enough too, but at the same time, it seems like he's starting to pick up more words. He also started the whining and being more clingy about a month or so ago. I'm not sure what is up with that either. I just pray for patience, because it will pass, eventually!

Amy's Blah, Blah, Blogging said...

Isn't it interesting how each stage of life brings it's own issues and concerns along with it?

For Anna I'm worried about trying to satisfy her, if her diapers are wet, if they are too poopy, what her cries mean...with Lilla it's worry about how she's speaking, how to discipline her, when the incessant quetions will ever end and am I able to teach her like I should be. My friends with elementary kids are worried about their kids not talking to them enough and learning too much from other kids.

It really is such a hard area to give to God, but such a needed area because ultimately we can't do anything for them. Thank God for His grace and goodness, for His help and sufficiency...oh, where would we be without them?

Noah and Ryders Mommy said...

What a beautiful post, Amanda. I share a lot of these same feelings with you. I think they come naturally with having kids this age. Ryder is so much more less verbal than Noah EVER was. Noah picked things up so quickly. He was talking so early. He knew so much for such a little guy. And of course I spent those days teaching it all to him. I get frustrated too at times, when I don't feel like Ryder has as much interest. But I have prayed and excepted the fact that they are both different, and really I wouldn't want it any other way! I love their differences. And though there are times when I wish Ryder would just say a full sentence instead of jibber jabbering or pointing, I love him for who he is. That was something hard for me to get passed!
I think you're an incredible Mommy, Amanda! You've got two wonderful little girls...it's all worth it!

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

Okay - so I read this post like three times. :) Because you know how my day went yesterday and I so just needed to know that I was not alone.

I truly understand some of the days just dragging on... I will feel llike I did so many things with the boys and tapped into my mommy creativity, then realize that it is only mid morning and we have hours and horus to go...

Thanks for this. It really was helpful to me. :)