Friday, September 4, 2009

i will trust Him... i had my first post-partum visit the pediatrician and end up in tears, emotional morning regarding jillian today (actually yesterday now...since i never finished this yesterday!). to be honest, i've had LOTS of those visits...LOTS and LOTS with elizabeth...and my fair share with kate as well. two normal words...a routine visit for most mommies..."weight check" know, the good old appointment where they check in to make sure baby has reached his/her birth weight by two weeks. friends...i know i shared in my last post that i really and truly felt like nursing was going SO much better this time i actually had plenty of milk there for miss she was eating really well. well, this morning i stripped her down, confidently placed her on the scale, KNOWING that the read-out was going to be at least her birth-weight, if not a more significant "gain". and then the numbers flashed across the screen, indicating that rather than gaining so much as an ounce, she had actually lost an ounce an a half in the past week. my heart sank a little as the nurse moved me into an exam room to consult with the doctor....and miss jillian woke up and started rooting around, so i began feeding her, and we did the whole feed her in the exam room and then weigh her to see how much she gained from a feeding dance (a dance that i have grown quite familiar with)....and honestly, friends, i was okay until the doctor came back in and started discussing ways to increase my milk supply and the possible side-effects of reglan (anxiety, nerves, emotions)...and it happened....the tears didn't just sneak out...nope, they came rushing down my cheeks in a moment of complete emotional dumpage....pouring out as i relived the struggles with elizabeth's weight gain and then kate' hopes of having an "easy" and "enjoyable" breast-feeding experience, since, after all, it is supposed to be so natural...and something every mom can do. (but i am okay is amazing what a day can do...and a good night of sleep....)**and as an update...miss jillian really likes the ounce of formula she is getting to supplement her doing fabulously with the bottle (although perhaps a bit more frustrated that my milk doesn't come that easily for her)** made me think about the time i spent praying about the whole nursing process throughout this pregnancy. and i remembered something from my Bible study this summer. our dear Bible study leader reminded us of the truth that God always answers our prayers...BUT sometimes the answer is "no". funny how often i want to think that God didn't answer as opposed to facing the reality that God doesn't always give me what i want. He doesn't always make life easy or comfortable...He doesn't always say "yes"...He isn't a genie (and, truly, i don't want Him to be!). at this point, it seems God has chosen for nursing to be one those know the ones i mean...the ones that make you cling to Him and depend on Him (in the way i should be clinging and depending every day!)....the ones that bring you to your knees as you seek wisdom....the ones that remind you that it is NOT about pleasing anyone but God...the ones that in the end, bring you to a place of quiet peace and intimacy with the Lord....the ones you end up thankful for in the long run, i suppose. and, so, i will choose to be grateful for the "no"...and i will continue to cry out to the Lord for wisdom (and, quite importantly, look to my husband and listen to his leadership!) when it comes to deciding what is best for our family and for sweet jillian when it comes to nursing. i will trust Him with my emotions and my milk supply as i try reglan...i will trust Him with bottles and formula...i will trust Him with long days with mike working lots of overtime and two older sisters navigating their way through a new "normal" with baby sister...i will trust Him with knowing how to discipline...i will trust Him with kate's "meltiness" with molars coming in and life as a two year old being, well, not always easy...i will trust Him with today.

and on a lighter are some pics from the past week. my mom was here with us tuesday through friday, and her help, encouragement, and company was priceless! she mopped, she did dishes, she folded laundry, and on and on and on. she snuggled with jillian and played with the big girls...and many a times she comforted a half-fed jillian while mommy dealt with the little things that come up between a certain two and almost four year old (hopefully they will realize quickly that jillian's feeding time doesn't mean "free for all" time for them!). we miss her already, and its only saturday morning--but no worries, we will see her at the lake on monday. and yes, i am crazy...kind of. miss jillian had her first trip to the children's museum on thursday...mostly because poppy, who occasionally drives school buses as a substitute, drove a group of high schoolers down for a field trip. i took advantage of the opportunity to have a 3 adult to 3 kiddo ratio...not to mention, it was nice for elizabeth and kate to get out of the house a bit--and jillian, well, she enjoyed being strapped to mommy and taking in the crowds! but perhaps more of a highlight than the museum was the fact that elizabeth and kate got to check out poppy's bus!

on the bus!

at the 'seum (as elizabeth calls it!)

around the house...

do you think someone is trying to send me a message?


Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

Oh, I want to hug you so bad!! Those early days can be rough. I know you are okay - and things will get better, but some times in the middle of a rough patch - with all of those crazy adjusting hormones - it can just be agonizing!

I know many women who have expected nursing to be so natural and come easily who have run into road block after road block.- And for some reason there seems to be this stigma surrounding it, like if you can't breast feed, or have to supplement, than you must be less a women or less a mom. THAT IS NOT TRUE. Not at all. In fact, I would go as far as to say those women are stronger and wiser because of what they have gone through and how dedicated they are to what their baby really needs.

Amanda, you are a wonderful mommy and I truly read in this post as well as "between the lines" that what you want more than any thing is what is best for your family. You are making wise choices. Some days all you need to do is choose to put one foot in front of the other...

I love the pictures! I love to see the little onesie on Jillian. :)

I am praying for you.

Nancy M. said...

I had a hard time with Hunter breastfeeding too. I mean, it seemed like he was getting enough to me, but he lost weight too. He never did gain the weight like they wanted him too. In fact, he's 2 and in the 25% for weight. Don't feel bad about supplementing! You're doing a wonderful job! It's okay to get teary, your body has been through a lot. I'll be praying for you!

Leslie said...

If ever I can relate to you Amanda its now. And with Cade and Rylan I was trying to make nursing work for us.

And yet... its just doesn't. My babies keep on loosing until I give them formula.

And there are days. That I still think on that and get a little bitter. Like how I should still be nursing him right now. Like how, oh to have gotten that time with him.

And it hurts.

But the reality is exactly what you said. Sometimes the answer is no. I have to trust that the Lord knows me better than I do. That the Lord will use this with me, even if only to surrender it.

But its amazing how Wendi is so right, that is such a stigma around it... how you feel like less of a mom. But its simply not true. We do whats right for our babies, and its good for them to grow whatever that takes. :)

Thinking praying, and hoping that little supplement, will be all she needs to plump right up!

Gosh she is sweet... and you are a wonderfull mom.

Rick and Beth said...

Amanda, I'm so sorry things are tough the last few days. I know that advice is flowing freely from all the mommies that read your blog. And you have to navigate prayerfully through all that you hear. So, I'm throwing in my humble two cents. Speaking from my experience with a very slow and difficult start to nursing, my lactation consultant was such a help and encouragment to me. Do you have one? Is there a breastfeeding support group at your hospital or in the area that could be a support to you? Have you checked out these breastfeeding websites?


I'll be praying for you as you and Mike decide what's best for your family.

Aminta said...

Oh Amanda! I am so sorry for this stress. The last thing a mother needs is to be pushed forward into post-pardum. I wish things could be left alone. But when it comes to baby weight gain, I guess that is asking a little too much.
I have been praying for you.... and will continue too. I love you Amanda! I am a special something for you..... would you send me your addy though? It will take a bit of time to get it to you since I still have yet to complete it. YES I AM a procrastinator. :)
I know this may be a bit controversial...... but my SIL did something this last baby to help her milk get thiker and just more in there. Her baby too was not gaining. She was told a beer a day for several days to a week would thicken it right up and make her produce like crazy. AND IT WORKED!
Just a thought for you.
I love you sweet friend!!!

Carrie said...

Oh Amanda, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I would squeeeeeeze you if I were there. I'll be praying for you and Miss Jillian.

By the way...did I mention that I always wanted to use the name Jillian if we ever had a girl. Love it!

Jamie said...

I'll be praying for this, too, Amanda. Thank you for sharing your heart... I wish more people talked about how just plain difficult nursing is! and how crazily tied to our emotions it is... I'd also second the question Rick and Beth asked about seeing a lactation consultant, if you're not already. They knew so much more than my doctor or the nurses. With their help, Elijah was able to nurse after nearly 2 months of trying (and a lot of pumping.) I'll be praying God will help you rest, and keep your emotions steady with nursing.
Love you!

Lisa said...

this is my biggest worry!
thank you so much for being so open and honest!

Praying for you, with love....