hard.

i had a revelation one day a few weeks back. it might or might not have been followed by tears...i'll let you guess.

this season of life has been hard. H.A.R.D.

it hasn't necessarily been tragic or filled with major events...it has just been wearing...the kid of days that run together in monotony and begin to become a blur of people needing me, a house that builds clutter and mess more quickly than i ever imagined could happen, laundry piles that beg to be folded (or baskets of folded laundry that beg to be put away), papers in need of grading (thoughtful grading...not just check an answer off...because that would be delightfully mindless), a husband and wife who are both tired...exhausted tired. i have had daydreams of the day when i might once again awaken and find that the first number on my clock is not a 5 or 6. it is the kind of season where once the kids are in bed, mike and i drop onto the couch unable to move until we drag ourselves up to bed a couple hours later.

please don't read this as a complaint.

i don't intend it to be one.

i just want to be real.

it is easy...oh so easy...to post a bunch of fun pictures...to tell you all the happy stuff we've been doing...because truthfully, there is a lot of that in our days too....and those are the moments i want to hold tightly to...the moments to recognize and savor and enjoy.

but the truth is that this is not an easy gig. motherhood is not for the faint of heart.

i've spent the vast majority of the past 6 years pregnant or caring for a new baby.

is it any wonder that i would be tired? that i would feel a bit unraveled? that my house would be a mess?

i spend a lot of my minutes struggling with the many parts of motherhood i don't do well.

the patience i lack in those moments--you know the ones i mean.

my lack of domestic skills--and by domestic i mean keeping my house tidy and cheerful and organized and well decorated...some of you are gifted in that area...i, on the other hand, am not. cleaning is hard for me...i struggle to endure it, much less enjoy it.

the longing for people to just stop touching me for ten seconds--i know that if you have little people you know what i mean....don't judge. ;)

my lack of creative and effective ideas for dealing with the umpteenth dramatic fit of emotions (or stubborn, defiant behavior)...and my own "losing my cool" rather than graciously sheperding my little people.

and it spirals...and spirals...and spirals.

monday i had one of those days...a friend...actually an acquaintance, as i don't really know her all that well...asked me if i was okay. you see, she had noticed my general lack of joy and enthusiasm.

truthfully, the fact that she had noticed brought about mixed emotions.

on one hand i was so thankful that someone SAW...that she knew and understood...that she would draw me out...that the Lord had put me on her heart...that she was praying for me.

however, i must admit, on the other hand i was a bit distraught....because who wants to be the struggling person, the one who can't quite get her stuff together--or figure out how to "wear the mask" (i know, i know...i hate mask wearing...i'm more of a "wear my feelings on my sleeve" kinda girl.

that conversation combined with an e-mail that evening...from a sweet friend...wanting to have some mutual accountability in getting up early, getting into the word, being consistent in making the CHOICE to draw near to Jesus...it wasn't coincidence. it was Jesus...because He sees...He knows.

and so, this is a long rambling post to simply sum it up as this...this season has been hard. but His grace is BIG, my friends....as the Lord has so graciously reminded me in the past 48 hours as i have literally drank in ephesians 1...and as i have seen those five letters over and over...grace...glorious grace....given freely....given abundantly.

oh that i would let his grace mercifully cover the hard...mercifully cover my shortcomings...mercifully draw me to his feet. that i would soak it in and let it seep through me, pouring out onto my sweet children, my dear husband...flowing from me as from Him.

and that, my friends, is where my heart is.